Goodness

Ahh. Sometimes life is hard. But it can be good even when it hurts, you know? Why does it feel hard now? Romantic "disappointment", if you will. An inevitable story for me, it seems. But it's good, too - because in these moments I hear Jesus' whisper, and I know and believe that he loves me.
And then I get little treasures of joy - like a wonderful weekend with time to relax at the lake, and go on a beautiful hike to a waterfall, and meet awesome people who are not afraid to lose their lives for Christ's sake. That inspires me. Will I be able to do that? I want to - in my brave moments. And then there are other moments when I just want to feel safe and secure by my own standards. The adventure - it is good.

the good, the bad, and the ...

Medicine is strange. We had a patient "code" today. That is, his heart stopped and a bunch of people rushed into his room to try to make it start again. I felt like a hero, because they needed a central IV, and I technically am not allowed to put them in without supervision, but I knew I was better at it than anyone else there, and let's face it - the guy was going to die otherwise. Anyway, I got it in on the first try, and the guy didn't even have a pulse to help me know where the vein was (the vein lies next to the artery, for those of you who think I'm kind of dumb for a doctor).
Anyway, it made me feel like I should be doing what I'm doing afterall. The guy didn't make it, unfortunately, but at least they had an IV to give him serious drugs when they needed it.

That was the highlight - weird highlight since he died, huh? But I'd never met him, so I didn't really feel sad. The nurses were all broken up over it. Later, when I heard how his wife had reacted, I felt sad. That would suck - for your husband to die.

The bad part of the day was when I cut the suture too short for my attending when he had sewn up a hole in the artery. That was bad. He was very grumpy because he had to do it all again, and sewing arteries is tedious to say the least. Yeah. I did not feel like a hero then.

I'm studying! At Starbucks. Jill and I excercised and had Indian food prior to this. Tough life. : )

And guess what I did today? I participated in an organ retrieval. I pretty much just closed the skin at the end, but it was cool anyway, in a morbid sort of way. You have to be dead to donate most of your organs.

Just so you don't think Johnson City is a metropolis, the Starbucks is right next to the "Nascar Cafe." The big race (in Bristol) is this coming weekend. I'm glad I'm not working - there will be many traumas coming in. You can sort of see the sign for Nascar in the background of Jill's picture.

on call

The problem is that I really do work 80 hours each week. That does not leave much time for other life things. It's really kind of crazy if you think about it. I mean, why? It makes you reassess frequently, i.e., do I really want to do this with my life? You have to sort of look into the future and remember your endpoint.
That said, I think I pretty much always ask myself that question - in college, in med school, now. I don't have a good back up plan if the answer ever turns out to be "no - I don't want to do this with my life."
And then the irony is that other people sort of admire you - they think being a doctor must be really cool. It is cool. I got to sew up a woman's leg at midnight last night. I'd sewn up a guy's nose earlier in the evening. That is fun. I like it when it looks pretty at the end.
alright no more complaining. I've got a pretty sweet gig. Just don't forget about me. I miss you guys.

surgery cont'd.

omy I'm so bad at keeping up with this. My apologies.
What's been going on? Well, it might be interesting to you to relay the details of my day, like, I helped with a liver resection today. We removed a benign liver mass. Did you know that if you take birth control pills for a long time, you have an increased risk of getting a mass in your liver??? And if you are pregnant with one of these masses, it can actually rupture??? crazy. So watch your estrogen levels, ladies.

In other news, I'm mostly enjoying the people with whom I work. I did cry yesterday. Hah! My chief tells me, "You're not a girl, you're a surgery resident." Silly man. I didn't cry in front of anyone. I guess that's good.

I went back to Nashville last weekend! It refilled my emotional tank. I love my friends! And I miss you!!

Special message to Judith: Hoffenlich alles geht gut fur dich! Ich kann vielleicht dort fliegen in April. Was dankst du?

That's all. I need sleep.

-E