men

so frustrating! I was referred to as a "skirt" today by an older cardiothoracic surgeon who is reknowned for flirting with...anything female. It made me very angry. I wish I could get over this - - - Like, I wish I didn't have a dry pile of leaves just waiting to get sparked by some comment like that before it is set into flames. I'm not sure how to walk this line - being female and feminine, and still being able to do something professionally that men have traditionally done. I've been told several times that "there is no crying in surgery." As if! If I feel like crying, I have the right to cry. And if it makes men uncomfortable, or if it makes them think I'm weak, they have another thing coming. There are days when I think," I'd rather just go home and have babies." But this wasn't one of them. There is something inside of me that sort of locks in like a bull dog when I feel disparaged because of my gender.

Should I not be trying to be a surgeon because my body was made to bear children? Would I be doing this if I were married? Good questions - and yet, it is frustrating that the same men who "don't like operating with women" don't realize that if there were a man who was smarter than me, he would have gotten my position in the residency program. They should be happy to operate with me! I am restraining myself from writing the expletives that come to mind.

And then I realize that I actually have to learn to live with this.